fyi

God it was a BUGGER trying to remember old passwords and emails trying to get into this blogger account.

Clearly I haven't written anything on here in years. 

I used to write on this blog, I’m sure some of you remember (hello!). I used to write a diary as well but life tends to get in the way especially after the age of 18; I now have to schedule in time to wash my hair never mind to write a blog. 

I have wanted to write this entry for a few months, I’ve even drafted the whole thing over once and deleted it. This is odd for me as anyone who knows me will know my problem has never been my lack of confidence to say things, but my lack of ability to keep my mouth shut. This is a good thing and also a really bad thing - I get myself into trouble a lot so I have learnt ( sort of ) to bite my tongue and not share as much as I used to. I think this is probably something mature adults are supposed to do and although I promised myself I would never become one of those, I'm quickly realising I don't have much of a choice. 

I say much of a choice because there are some things I CAN continue to do which preserves the oversharing part of me I kind of miss sometimes- social media for a start. 

Social media is great however it's still not somewhere I feel like I can or should post long pieces about how I feel/what I'm doing. So here I am, back on the blog I created at 16. 

I'm 21 now and feel like a totally different person to the girl I was 5 years ago. There are some things however which make me feel 16 again, make me feel vulnerable and unable to keep myself safe. One of these occurrences happened in September of this year.

It's no secret that myself and Jamie broke up in November 2018 and have been on a new journey over the last year, a journey by myself which couldn't have been more important for me to take. I joke about being single but I genuinely feel as though I have my shit (kind of) together for the first time in a long time, and it's not thanks to anyone other than myself. I've always had a problem with relying on other people for my own security and happiness, I finally feel as though I don't need to rely on anyone but myself which is a much healthier way to live. 

 I document my dating life ( mostly LACK of ) on social media for the most part and I think it's funny. I was on bumble, tinder and hinge throughout the majority of 2019 as I still occasionally struggle with feeling as though I need someone else, I try not to beat myself up about this as I know a lot of my single friends feel like this sometimes too, I usually feel sorry for myself for a couple of hours, wake up and feel fine again. 

Throughout summer I was away a lot in Mallorca and I matched with a guy from Leeds before I left and ended up speaking to him for maybe a month before I got home and agreed to go on a date with him. The date was close to my home, it was during the day on a Sunday and it was somewhere I felt safe. 

Unfortunately I wasn't safe. I am okay now but I wasn't for a while.

I won't be going into detail , not because I think it's inappropriate or embarrassing; I do, but it's mostly not even relevant. What happened, happened and it won't make a difference whether I talk about it or not; I can't change it. What I can change is how I talk about it going forward and how I deal with it now.

My single friends and I would always laugh about the crazy and probably dangerous situations we would get ourselves into on dates, on nights out etc and jokingly wonder how we lived to tell the tales. It's one of those things you think will never happen to you, and up until 21 it never had happened to me. I always had respect and sympathy for girls who had been assaulted however I never believed it would happen to me. I would scream wouldn't I? I would run? Or kick him between the legs? It doesn't always happen the way you think it could. No dark alley, I wasn't dressed 'provocatively', wasn't blind drunk. It can happen when you have your guard down, when you feel like you were in control of the situation; until suddenly you're not.

I've deleted dating apps, and it's not because I think there's anything particularly WRONG with them, or with the men on them, but because I'm not ready to date again.

 I've never felt as numb and empty as I did that Sunday evening I lay in the bath, or the following Tuesday when I had to do a urine sample in the middle of the night for the police who sat on the living room sofa, or the Friday I had to recount it all in detail in front of 3 cameras in a small room in Keighley Police station whilst my dad sat in the car outside. 

I said I'm okay now, and I meant it. I am so lucky to have a huge team of friends and family who support me through everything. There are some family members who reacted to this experience poorly, in a way which will change the way I think of them and respect them forever. That was difficult. Having to accept that some of the older generation will never understand or believe that this kind of behaviour doesn't have to be tolerated any more. What might have been normal and tolerated in 1964 cannot be tolerated in 2020. I refuse to let anyone make me feel as though my experiences and my feelings are invalid, regardless of whether they are my family or not. 

The reason I've published this post is to remind other girls that we are still vulnerable, although we wish we were not. It's not fair that we should have to watch how much we drink, who we meet, what we wear, what we say, who we do, who we don't do, where we go, what time we get home, how we get home, it's incredibly unfair and I agree that we shouldn't have to.This is the same stance I had in September however I will be taking steps in the future to ensure this doesn't happen to me again. 

Trust me, I won't be watching how much I drink, what I wear, what I say; however I will be making damn sure I protect myself from men who believe I am already theres. This doesn't have to be a disheartening process, I'm using it to empower myself and I will use this experience like I have used the other painful events in my life- I will use it to become a more empathetic, understanding and kind person.

This has been the most difficult blog post ever to write and I will be surprised if I manage to ever publish this however it's been therapeutic to put it down into words. Unfortunately I won't get legal justice for this however I will take back the power I feel I have lost with this by using it to help other girls who have been through or might go through a similar situation in the future. 

Finally, girls. Please keep safe. It's not your fault and it shouldn't be your responsibility to behave or conduct yourself in a certain way but unfortunately this is what we must do ( within reason ) for the time being. You should be able to walk out of the house naked with a sign that says please have sex with me and be left alone for all I care, I think we should be able to do whatever the fuck we want.

 For now, please vet online dates 10 times over, get your best friend to stalk them. Send your friends your location, tell them where you are going and with who. Don't get picked up from your house, meet somewhere public. You already know this, but I thought I knew all this too.

Love you, not all men are pricks ( I hope ) , find happiness in your best friends, your brother,sister, your parents, your step parents; sometimes it takes something rough to help you realise how many incredible people you have all around you. 

Have an amazing Christmas, I am so excited for 2020 :)

Lots of love,

Millie x

How I cured my anxiety disorder // MostlyMilly

The title of this blog post is misleading. I have not cured my severe anxiety disorder and I probably never will. I know how hard those words can be to read when you're going through a bad time of it, " you can't cure it but you learn to live with it"hardly comforting when 'living with it' includes constant worry and a state of complete panic. No one wants to live with it or to just 'cope'. Coping is rubbish, you want to be enjoying life.
  I have filmed youtube videos,written blog posts, facebook status's all about my history of mental health and it's pretty boring so let us skip forward to the present. I am currently on the train sat next to my little sister on the way back from a night away in London with our dad. I haven't been away with my dad on a trip for approx 3 years. We only stayed over in a hotel for last night, shopped and spent time together and now we are travelling back however the evening before that I got picked up from Manchester airport, alone. A few days earlier I flew alone from Manchester to Exeter and spent time with my boyfriend and his family in Torquay,Devon. I then flew home alone from an airport I had never been to, got home and packed some clothes for a trip to London on the train.
  This, to some will sound less than impressive, to others it will seem unfathomable. 2 years ago I could hardly leave the house, getting the bus down the road was unattainable, nevermind a plane.
   Now I know everyone is going to want to know how I have done this, how I have made such huge strides in my mental health. I'm not going to sugar coat anything because that happens so often and it's unfair to others and is unrealistic, I am not anxiety free by a long shot. I had a bad panic attack last Saturday... my plan for this week was to panic and cry all week-turns out I had better things to do.

1) Start saying yes. In order to make any progress whatsoever you're going to have to push- I didn't push myself to do anything for years due to fear, I get that. In those years that I avoided everything, I achieved very little, sadly it doesn't get handed to you. Your friend asks you out for lunch but you had a panic attack yesterday and it's knocked you back so you are about to cancel. Don't cancel. If you do have to cancel, thats okay but be kind to yourself about it theres no point beating yourself up. There will come a time, whether it be next week or in 4 years (mine was 5 years) where you will go to yourself " I would rather suffer with the worst panic attacks,depression,anxiety possible than live like this. I am bored and fed up of sitting at home and watching everyone else experience life". One day the fear of missing out on life will become stronger than the fear of having a panic attack.

2) Medication. It's not for everyone and I fully respect that. Personally, it has been a large factor in my progress however I do think a mixture of both therapy and medication is probably the best combination- you don't want to end up burying everything for it to erupt one day.
I take 200mg of sertraline that is an anti depressant however it has been found to help with anxiety disorders, doctors aren't quite sure why. I'm no doctor but in my opinion I reckon the sertraline calms my mind slightly of negative thoughts. Less negative thoughts means less thoughts of panic attacks which means less panic attacks. Just a theory. I also take propranol which is a beta blocker. I take 2 a day and they are slow release capsules so I have a steady level of the drug in my blood system all day. Beta blockers stop some of the physical panic attack symptoms eg. your heart rate doesn't peak quickly etc. Beta blockers keep my heart at a steady pace, you are basically tricking your body into thinking you're not panicking.
My last medication is occasional diazepam ( Valium ). I am not on valium daily however I have been in the past when I have been very poorly with my anxiety. Valium is a benzodiazepine which affects chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with anxiety. Sadly, it is abused by many due to it's calming effects which makes it difficult to get hold of when you are actually suffering from acute panic attacks. I use valium as a back up, if I'm going away on holiday, a trip or just to keep in my purse for emergencies. I hardly ever need it but sometimes it helps my anxiety just knowing I have it on hand.

I'm currently not using therapy however I am not ruling it out. Sadly due to being through the CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services)  system since I was 11 I have been quite severely put off by the idea. I'm sure there must be some success stories through CAHMS however I haven't heard any positive reviews, ever. I am currently looking into private adult therapy options.

At the end of the day, on medication or not, the only person who can change everything is you. You're going to get there at some point but in the mean time, try not to beat yourself up because that will get you no where. Focus on your friends, family and live in the most positive environment possible. Oh and say yes to everything!

lots of love always,
Millie x

A letter to my 11 year old self // MostlyMilly

A letter to my pre-teen self.

Hi Millie,

You made it to eighteen and still managed to keep your immature sense of humour and chicken pox scars. You still feel the same as you did when you were a child and you still wonder when you will suddenly turn into a capable young woman, the truth is, you were always capable.
 Things are going to get tough, really tough and it won't be until a few years later that you will realise that the bad times shaped you into a caring human being. Your parents are going to split this summer and it's going to change everything for you. The safety and security of your once 'whole' family will disintegrate and its going to hit you hard, it's going to be a delayed reaction. You're going to hate your parents, don't because they are hurting too. You are going to build anger towards your mother that will rage terror for years to come when you really ought to let it go - you will understand one day. Your mother is an angel and you will hope to be like her.
 Year 7 is going to be shitty and you're going to get bullied pretty badly. You are going to have a dreadful school photograph taken of you with your hair tied back and your head will look fat and you will some day realise why they called you 'millie melon head.' This photograph will still sit under a magnet on your dads fridge for years to come and you will laugh to yourself when you go to get the milk. You really need to stop eating a whole pack of maryland cookies from the school tuck shop everyday and you need to stop bringing change for the vending machines, chips alone for lunch is not nutritious but one day I will let you off as this was your first taste of freedom.
Next summer you are going to have a breakdown and you are going to start having a thing called 'panic attacks' and you're going to have a lot of them. You won't know what these are for a while but you will know they feel like hell and you won't like it. You will sit alone in the bathroom at 2 in the morning wretching and shivering covered in a duvet and you will feel like no one in the world will ever understand, I promise you they will one day.
 Years will pass and you will change schools, make good friends, make poor makeup decisions and you will take many selfies you will regret. DON'T make your facebook public and don't enable followers, when your mum says you will one day regret the things you put out on the internet she will be right, of course. Be more private and focus on yourself and your health, not facebook.
You're going to get really lonely and you will have no friends in the world, this is when you will learn to befriend yourself and enjoy your own company, this is an important lesson and although it is hard and you will cry, you will make friends again soon. You'll get GCSE's but you will complete them at home when your anxiety gets bad but no one even checks the grades on your CV so it's fine.
  Your siblings will be your best friends in the world and you will love them more than you love yourself. You will teach your little sister all of the above lessons and will help her through her teenage years with understanding and without judgement, she will love you for that. Your brother will say mean things to you but you should remember he is dealing with his own problems too, you will learn from this that everyone copes differently.
You will get very ill one September and you will have a week where you don't want to do life anymore. The trees will look different, the birds won't sing and nothing will feel okay. You will lose stones and you will finally be skinny, you won't be happy. You won't sleep or eat and you will be introduced to diazepam, be very careful with it and it will help you. You will finally be allowed on an anti depressant that will steady your anxiety and make you feel happy and excited again, 7 year old Millie will return. Things won't be miraculous overnight but the dark clouds will shift and you will get fat again I swear.
`The first boy you fall in love with will teach you a number of important lessons. He will teach you to:
- listen to better music
- live freely
-choose better boyfriends
You will think you are being as cautious as possible but you aren't cautious enough, he will ruin songs for you and make it unbearable to watch certain films but the pain will subside. You will give everything to him and he will kiss every finger on your hand just for being attached to you. You are going to cry more than you have cried before and your dad will hold you whilst you weep over a snapchat story. You will be betrayed and hurt but it will not make you bitter and you will refuse to stop trusting everyone, you will always see the best in people.
You will meet another boy who will teach you lessons also and you will love him like your best friend but not much more.He will be kind to you and he will make you laugh. This boy is important but won't be forever and you will know that, you will cherish the memories and the values you have learnt anyway.
You will meet a man who has been brought up impeccably and will incorporate both your best friend and your soulmate in one. You will wonder how he has such blue eyes with the darkest hair and you will love his family. He will make you braver than you have been in years and he will hold your hand on turbulence filled flights, on bad days and just because he loves you. He will fuel your dreams with belief and positive thoughts and he will make you feel beautiful. DON'T wear white jeans on your first date during your period as it will end in disaster ( aside from a great story later on ). He will offer to pay for your pizza and he will take you to the seaside, he will make you feel the safest you have felt in a long time, you will love him for it.

Throughout all of this and more, you will somehow maintain your belief that everything will be okay. Your overwhelming positivity (for the most part) will guide you through your teenage years and you will be absolutely fine. Your next 7 years will be character defining and it will be important. Every bump and bad time will emerge as a lesson and you will understand why you had to endure it one day.

Love always,
18 year old Millie x

Does it really work?: Boy best friends

It’s the age old question that is widely debated. Can girls and boys really be best friends and nothing more? Everyone seems to have an opinion however I have first hand experience on the subject. I went to an all girls primary school so my only male influences until I turned 11 were my family members ( dad,uncle,grandad) including my little brother Hamish who is 18 months my junior. He’s been my best friend since I can remember and he still remains one of my closest human relationships to date and I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

When I entered secondary school I adapted fairly quickly to my new male acquaintances and it was a type of friendship I immediately appreciated. I felt as though I had new brothers and that protective, drama free relationship was something I liked. 

     Of course at 11-12 there wasn’t really much that could seriously get in the way of a inter gender friendship. Yes there were crushes and kisses but no deeper or darker plot lines that could cause serious upset or pain to those involved. At 18 I still love the boy/girl friendship dynamic however I will be the first to admit complications. If one is lucky enough to find a friendship in which there is no sexual chemistry involved then I fully believe that friendship can work for years and years to come. One sided sexual interest or chemistry is where it gets increasingly difficult and painful however if you go about it the right way you can still make it work.

One of my closest friends is male and I wouldn't change our friendship for the world. There have been various bumps in the road and it has not been perfect. I didn't see him for almost a year due to his ex girlfriend not letting me spend time with him however we are stronger than ever and it is like it never happened.
  It is very likely that people will have an opinion on your friendship especially partners however as long as yourself and your best friend know the score then that's all that matters.

It is important to be adult and mature about the situation especially if it involves a third party eg; your best friends girlfriend. I found it difficult to deal with my best friend having a girlfriend as you are going to inevitably be edged to the side slightly. This is totally normal and nothing personal and as long as that person makes your best friend happy then that should be enough to get by. 

   It gets complicated however if the girlfriend/boyfriend in question dislikes you. If this is the case then it's important to be mature about it and to approach the situation with dignity and tact. I think it is a good idea to meet the person in question face to face for a chat as over the phone or through third party messages it can get misunderstood and twisted.
I honestly do believe that I will be best friends with my male friend for years and years to come and I have every belief that we can tackle anything that may come in the way.
  In my opinion, it doesn't matter who your best friend is, whether they are gay,straight,male,female or bright purple, if you have the mindset to make a friendship last then it will.

Have a lovely day :)
Millie x

Dealing with Friendship breakups // MostlyMilly

In my opinion, losing a best friend is even more excruciating than the break up between a girlfriend/boyfriend. Granted, they are both horrendous and not ideal however losing a best friend can make you feel like the loneliest person in the world.

I don't feel as though friendship breakdowns are talked about as much as relationship breakdowns are and so it is harder to find advice on the subject when faced with the situation. We all know the routine after a break-up:

-eat chocolate

-cry

-watch the notebook

-cry more

-block them on facebook

- call your best friend ...

But what happens when this time, the break-up is between you and your best friend? Who do you call and cry to? And who do you watch the notebook with? 

I have been through 3 major best friend break-ups in the last 18 years and each has been just as dreadful. I like to think I am a good friend but I make mistakes and whether the eventual breakdown of these friendships occurred due to fault of my own or the other individual is irrelevant. When you have so much trust and love for another human being and the friendship goes south you need an action plan. 

1) Delete social media- Stalking your ex bestfriend on Facebook/snapchat/instagram will NOT help you. Seeing posts of them and their friends having fun is the last thing you need right now.

2) Focus on yourself- Whether this might be your health, your mental health, your job, your studying, it's important to immerse yourself into something that takes your mind off the situation, even if it's temporary.

3) Learn to love your own company- spending time alone doesn't have to be all bad. Learning to be on your own will help you to feel stronger and less dependant on others for company. I like to read a book and turn my phone off for a night at least once a week.

4) Remember why the friendship ended- It's easy to focus on the great parts of a former friendship and to forget the reasons it didn't work out. Remember the times your former best friend made you feel bad about yourself or let you down.

5) Don't bombard them with messages- I have learnt this step the hard way. If you feel its necessary for you to lay all your cards on the table and to tell them how you feel, do so with class and dignity. Do not make the friendship breakdown public and do not endlessly send them messages. If someone wants to talk to you, they will.

6) Don't talk badly about your ex friend- It's uncalled for and unnecessary and does nothing for your character but make you look immature and bitter ( avoid this even if you are immature and bitter). 

7) If you bump into them, smile- Be the bigger person and smile. " It's far better to be the one who smiled than the one that didn't smile back"

Above all, focus on the friendships you still have. Things have a way of working themselves out and although right now it's terribly hard, time heals more than you think. 

I have spent a long time regretting things that I have done and said to friends who I have cut ties with. Sometimes friendships naturally end and sometimes they end badly however it is important not to burn bridges if possible. Some things are unforgivable but we all make mistakes and it's important to remember that. 

I still love every single one of my past friends and the truth is, if any one of them rang me up at 2 in the morning I would answer the call. I feel no anger towards any of them and I hope they know I still care. 

I hope you never have to go through anything like this however if you do, look after yourself and try and stay positive. 

Lots of love, 

Millie x

Beauty net-a-porter unboxing // MostlyMilly

I was lucky enough to receive a gift voucher for Net-a-porter for my birthday recently and of course I had to go on a makeup shopping spree ( as I am clearly in need of more makeup.) I ended up getting a nice haul for myself containing;
- Nars foundation in Gobi
-Nars albatross
-Nars deepthroat
-Anastasia Beverly Hills dip brow pomade (taupe)
-Anastasia Beverly Hills eyebrow pencil
-Beauty blender (white)
-Tom Ford lipstick ( First time)
-Hourglass lipstick ( Nude no1)

The Nars foundation was a little bit of a risk as I have been using Nars as my main, personal foundation for around 3 years now ( starting with sheer glow, moving onto all day luminous) and have always used the shade Mont Blanc. Recently however I have been feeling as though Mont blanc has been making me look slightly orangey and I have fallen out of love with it. I love the formula however so instead of re purchasing Mont Blanc I ordered Gobi. I have tried it tonight and so far it seems close to a perfect match however I will need to see it tomorrow in the daylight to make any sort of decision.

The other two Nars products I purchased were the blush -deepthroat and the highlight-albatross. These are very popular Nars products and I really wanted to try them out. Deepthroat is a very pretty pink blush and Albatross is a highly pigmented highlight with strong gold undertones. I'm yet to try these out properly but so far I am happy with them.

I love Anastasia Beverly Hills and their products and have never disappointed me. I'm a big fan of the cream contour kit and wanted to broaden my collection a little. I bought the brow pomade in the shade Taupe and the brow pencil in medium brow. 

The two lipsticks I ordered are some of the most gorgeous shades I have ever seen. I bought my first ever Tom Ford lipstick in the shade - First Time and its a beautiful matte pinky nude that I am so excited about. The second lipstick is my FAVOURITE LIPSTICK OF ALL TIME. I have most likely mentioned this lipstick on my blog before in fact I am sure I have. The Hourglass nude no 1 is my favourite lipstick ever and it is so perfect for my skin tone. I do not suit orange toned lipsticks at all and the Hourglass nude no1 is so pinky but subtle and I adore it. This is my fourth tube.

Lastly I grabbed a beauty blender as you can never have too many and as much as I hate to say it, although they may be expensive for a sponge, they are much softer and are better quality than other beauty sponges on the market currently. 

Thank you for reading my loves!!

millie x

I'm back!!! + Louboutin lipstick review

Hello!
Hope everyone is doing well and have had a wonderful May. I haven't so much as thought about blogging for so long now and my friend Chloe messaged me recently and jolted my memory and I now remember how much fun it used to be.
It's common to blame life getting in the way of your hobbies however you can always make time.
I celebrated my 18th birthday this last month and I had the most wonderful time. I was surrounded by friends and family and I couldn't have asked for a nicer time. I threw a Breakfast at Tiffany's themed garden party ( of course I did ) and received some lovely presents. One of which, was the Christian Louboutin lipstick gifted by my brother and sister. I say brother and sister but I think its fair to say my sister did the picking and she did a fabulous job.
The shade is satin trés decollete and I adore it. The packaging is super luxurious and the colour is perfect for my skin tone. I like the fact it isn't matte as I've been going off liquid/matte style lipsticks recently due to their drying qualities and the inevitable Kylie Jenner look. This shade is a salmon pink with a fair amount of gloss and its incredibly pretty. It's extremely wearable and although it looks too pretty to use, I bit the bullet and have been wearing it often.
I love the finish of the formula and it feel very luxurious on the lips leaving them feeling moisturised and soft however the lipstick comes at a heavy price. £60 for a lipstick could be seen as overpriced and although I love the colour, I don't think I could afford to continually buy it if it runs out.
However, I feel that you pay for the luxurious packaging, the name and the ability to carry around a Louboutin in your handbag and not just the lipstick inside.
Let me know what blog posts you'd like to see again and I might have a £200 order of makeup from net-a-porter arriving tomorrow so I will keep you posted..

lots of love,

Millie  x