The title of this blog post is misleading. I have not cured my severe anxiety disorder and I probably never will. I know how hard those words can be to read when you're going through a bad time of it, " you can't cure it but you learn to live with it"hardly comforting when 'living with it' includes constant worry and a state of complete panic. No one wants to live with it or to just 'cope'. Coping is rubbish, you want to be enjoying life.
I have filmed youtube videos,written blog posts, facebook status's all about my history of mental health and it's pretty boring so let us skip forward to the present. I am currently on the train sat next to my little sister on the way back from a night away in London with our dad. I haven't been away with my dad on a trip for approx 3 years. We only stayed over in a hotel for last night, shopped and spent time together and now we are travelling back however the evening before that I got picked up from Manchester airport, alone. A few days earlier I flew alone from Manchester to Exeter and spent time with my boyfriend and his family in Torquay,Devon. I then flew home alone from an airport I had never been to, got home and packed some clothes for a trip to London on the train.
This, to some will sound less than impressive, to others it will seem unfathomable. 2 years ago I could hardly leave the house, getting the bus down the road was unattainable, nevermind a plane.
Now I know everyone is going to want to know how I have done this, how I have made such huge strides in my mental health. I'm not going to sugar coat anything because that happens so often and it's unfair to others and is unrealistic, I am not anxiety free by a long shot. I had a bad panic attack last Saturday... my plan for this week was to panic and cry all week-turns out I had better things to do.
1) Start saying yes. In order to make any progress whatsoever you're going to have to push- I didn't push myself to do anything for years due to fear, I get that. In those years that I avoided everything, I achieved very little, sadly it doesn't get handed to you. Your friend asks you out for lunch but you had a panic attack yesterday and it's knocked you back so you are about to cancel. Don't cancel. If you do have to cancel, thats okay but be kind to yourself about it theres no point beating yourself up. There will come a time, whether it be next week or in 4 years (mine was 5 years) where you will go to yourself " I would rather suffer with the worst panic attacks,depression,anxiety possible than live like this. I am bored and fed up of sitting at home and watching everyone else experience life". One day the fear of missing out on life will become stronger than the fear of having a panic attack.
2) Medication. It's not for everyone and I fully respect that. Personally, it has been a large factor in my progress however I do think a mixture of both therapy and medication is probably the best combination- you don't want to end up burying everything for it to erupt one day.
I take 200mg of sertraline that is an anti depressant however it has been found to help with anxiety disorders, doctors aren't quite sure why. I'm no doctor but in my opinion I reckon the sertraline calms my mind slightly of negative thoughts. Less negative thoughts means less thoughts of panic attacks which means less panic attacks. Just a theory. I also take propranol which is a beta blocker. I take 2 a day and they are slow release capsules so I have a steady level of the drug in my blood system all day. Beta blockers stop some of the physical panic attack symptoms eg. your heart rate doesn't peak quickly etc. Beta blockers keep my heart at a steady pace, you are basically tricking your body into thinking you're not panicking.
My last medication is occasional diazepam ( Valium ). I am not on valium daily however I have been in the past when I have been very poorly with my anxiety. Valium is a benzodiazepine which affects chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with anxiety. Sadly, it is abused by many due to it's calming effects which makes it difficult to get hold of when you are actually suffering from acute panic attacks. I use valium as a back up, if I'm going away on holiday, a trip or just to keep in my purse for emergencies. I hardly ever need it but sometimes it helps my anxiety just knowing I have it on hand.
I'm currently not using therapy however I am not ruling it out. Sadly due to being through the CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) system since I was 11 I have been quite severely put off by the idea. I'm sure there must be some success stories through CAHMS however I haven't heard any positive reviews, ever. I am currently looking into private adult therapy options.
At the end of the day, on medication or not, the only person who can change everything is you. You're going to get there at some point but in the mean time, try not to beat yourself up because that will get you no where. Focus on your friends, family and live in the most positive environment possible. Oh and say yes to everything!
lots of love always,
Millie x
Thursday 20 April 2017
Tuesday 14 March 2017
A letter to my 11 year old self // MostlyMilly
A letter to my pre-teen self.
Hi Millie,
You made it to eighteen and still managed to keep your immature sense of humour and chicken pox scars. You still feel the same as you did when you were a child and you still wonder when you will suddenly turn into a capable young woman, the truth is, you were always capable.
Things are going to get tough, really tough and it won't be until a few years later that you will realise that the bad times shaped you into a caring human being. Your parents are going to split this summer and it's going to change everything for you. The safety and security of your once 'whole' family will disintegrate and its going to hit you hard, it's going to be a delayed reaction. You're going to hate your parents, don't because they are hurting too. You are going to build anger towards your mother that will rage terror for years to come when you really ought to let it go - you will understand one day. Your mother is an angel and you will hope to be like her.
Year 7 is going to be shitty and you're going to get bullied pretty badly. You are going to have a dreadful school photograph taken of you with your hair tied back and your head will look fat and you will some day realise why they called you 'millie melon head.' This photograph will still sit under a magnet on your dads fridge for years to come and you will laugh to yourself when you go to get the milk. You really need to stop eating a whole pack of maryland cookies from the school tuck shop everyday and you need to stop bringing change for the vending machines, chips alone for lunch is not nutritious but one day I will let you off as this was your first taste of freedom.
Next summer you are going to have a breakdown and you are going to start having a thing called 'panic attacks' and you're going to have a lot of them. You won't know what these are for a while but you will know they feel like hell and you won't like it. You will sit alone in the bathroom at 2 in the morning wretching and shivering covered in a duvet and you will feel like no one in the world will ever understand, I promise you they will one day.
Years will pass and you will change schools, make good friends, make poor makeup decisions and you will take many selfies you will regret. DON'T make your facebook public and don't enable followers, when your mum says you will one day regret the things you put out on the internet she will be right, of course. Be more private and focus on yourself and your health, not facebook.
You're going to get really lonely and you will have no friends in the world, this is when you will learn to befriend yourself and enjoy your own company, this is an important lesson and although it is hard and you will cry, you will make friends again soon. You'll get GCSE's but you will complete them at home when your anxiety gets bad but no one even checks the grades on your CV so it's fine.
Your siblings will be your best friends in the world and you will love them more than you love yourself. You will teach your little sister all of the above lessons and will help her through her teenage years with understanding and without judgement, she will love you for that. Your brother will say mean things to you but you should remember he is dealing with his own problems too, you will learn from this that everyone copes differently.
You will get very ill one September and you will have a week where you don't want to do life anymore. The trees will look different, the birds won't sing and nothing will feel okay. You will lose stones and you will finally be skinny, you won't be happy. You won't sleep or eat and you will be introduced to diazepam, be very careful with it and it will help you. You will finally be allowed on an anti depressant that will steady your anxiety and make you feel happy and excited again, 7 year old Millie will return. Things won't be miraculous overnight but the dark clouds will shift and you will get fat again I swear.
`The first boy you fall in love with will teach you a number of important lessons. He will teach you to:
- listen to better music
- live freely
-choose better boyfriends
You will think you are being as cautious as possible but you aren't cautious enough, he will ruin songs for you and make it unbearable to watch certain films but the pain will subside. You will give everything to him and he will kiss every finger on your hand just for being attached to you. You are going to cry more than you have cried before and your dad will hold you whilst you weep over a snapchat story. You will be betrayed and hurt but it will not make you bitter and you will refuse to stop trusting everyone, you will always see the best in people.
You will meet another boy who will teach you lessons also and you will love him like your best friend but not much more.He will be kind to you and he will make you laugh. This boy is important but won't be forever and you will know that, you will cherish the memories and the values you have learnt anyway.
You will meet a man who has been brought up impeccably and will incorporate both your best friend and your soulmate in one. You will wonder how he has such blue eyes with the darkest hair and you will love his family. He will make you braver than you have been in years and he will hold your hand on turbulence filled flights, on bad days and just because he loves you. He will fuel your dreams with belief and positive thoughts and he will make you feel beautiful. DON'T wear white jeans on your first date during your period as it will end in disaster ( aside from a great story later on ). He will offer to pay for your pizza and he will take you to the seaside, he will make you feel the safest you have felt in a long time, you will love him for it.
Throughout all of this and more, you will somehow maintain your belief that everything will be okay. Your overwhelming positivity (for the most part) will guide you through your teenage years and you will be absolutely fine. Your next 7 years will be character defining and it will be important. Every bump and bad time will emerge as a lesson and you will understand why you had to endure it one day.
Love always,
18 year old Millie x
Hi Millie,
You made it to eighteen and still managed to keep your immature sense of humour and chicken pox scars. You still feel the same as you did when you were a child and you still wonder when you will suddenly turn into a capable young woman, the truth is, you were always capable.
Things are going to get tough, really tough and it won't be until a few years later that you will realise that the bad times shaped you into a caring human being. Your parents are going to split this summer and it's going to change everything for you. The safety and security of your once 'whole' family will disintegrate and its going to hit you hard, it's going to be a delayed reaction. You're going to hate your parents, don't because they are hurting too. You are going to build anger towards your mother that will rage terror for years to come when you really ought to let it go - you will understand one day. Your mother is an angel and you will hope to be like her.
Year 7 is going to be shitty and you're going to get bullied pretty badly. You are going to have a dreadful school photograph taken of you with your hair tied back and your head will look fat and you will some day realise why they called you 'millie melon head.' This photograph will still sit under a magnet on your dads fridge for years to come and you will laugh to yourself when you go to get the milk. You really need to stop eating a whole pack of maryland cookies from the school tuck shop everyday and you need to stop bringing change for the vending machines, chips alone for lunch is not nutritious but one day I will let you off as this was your first taste of freedom.
Next summer you are going to have a breakdown and you are going to start having a thing called 'panic attacks' and you're going to have a lot of them. You won't know what these are for a while but you will know they feel like hell and you won't like it. You will sit alone in the bathroom at 2 in the morning wretching and shivering covered in a duvet and you will feel like no one in the world will ever understand, I promise you they will one day.
Years will pass and you will change schools, make good friends, make poor makeup decisions and you will take many selfies you will regret. DON'T make your facebook public and don't enable followers, when your mum says you will one day regret the things you put out on the internet she will be right, of course. Be more private and focus on yourself and your health, not facebook.
You're going to get really lonely and you will have no friends in the world, this is when you will learn to befriend yourself and enjoy your own company, this is an important lesson and although it is hard and you will cry, you will make friends again soon. You'll get GCSE's but you will complete them at home when your anxiety gets bad but no one even checks the grades on your CV so it's fine.
Your siblings will be your best friends in the world and you will love them more than you love yourself. You will teach your little sister all of the above lessons and will help her through her teenage years with understanding and without judgement, she will love you for that. Your brother will say mean things to you but you should remember he is dealing with his own problems too, you will learn from this that everyone copes differently.
You will get very ill one September and you will have a week where you don't want to do life anymore. The trees will look different, the birds won't sing and nothing will feel okay. You will lose stones and you will finally be skinny, you won't be happy. You won't sleep or eat and you will be introduced to diazepam, be very careful with it and it will help you. You will finally be allowed on an anti depressant that will steady your anxiety and make you feel happy and excited again, 7 year old Millie will return. Things won't be miraculous overnight but the dark clouds will shift and you will get fat again I swear.
`The first boy you fall in love with will teach you a number of important lessons. He will teach you to:
- listen to better music
- live freely
-choose better boyfriends
You will think you are being as cautious as possible but you aren't cautious enough, he will ruin songs for you and make it unbearable to watch certain films but the pain will subside. You will give everything to him and he will kiss every finger on your hand just for being attached to you. You are going to cry more than you have cried before and your dad will hold you whilst you weep over a snapchat story. You will be betrayed and hurt but it will not make you bitter and you will refuse to stop trusting everyone, you will always see the best in people.
You will meet another boy who will teach you lessons also and you will love him like your best friend but not much more.He will be kind to you and he will make you laugh. This boy is important but won't be forever and you will know that, you will cherish the memories and the values you have learnt anyway.
You will meet a man who has been brought up impeccably and will incorporate both your best friend and your soulmate in one. You will wonder how he has such blue eyes with the darkest hair and you will love his family. He will make you braver than you have been in years and he will hold your hand on turbulence filled flights, on bad days and just because he loves you. He will fuel your dreams with belief and positive thoughts and he will make you feel beautiful. DON'T wear white jeans on your first date during your period as it will end in disaster ( aside from a great story later on ). He will offer to pay for your pizza and he will take you to the seaside, he will make you feel the safest you have felt in a long time, you will love him for it.
Throughout all of this and more, you will somehow maintain your belief that everything will be okay. Your overwhelming positivity (for the most part) will guide you through your teenage years and you will be absolutely fine. Your next 7 years will be character defining and it will be important. Every bump and bad time will emerge as a lesson and you will understand why you had to endure it one day.
Love always,
18 year old Millie x
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