The title of this blog post is misleading. I have not cured my severe anxiety disorder and I probably never will. I know how hard those words can be to read when you're going through a bad time of it, " you can't cure it but you learn to live with it"hardly comforting when 'living with it' includes constant worry and a state of complete panic. No one wants to live with it or to just 'cope'. Coping is rubbish, you want to be enjoying life.
I have filmed youtube videos,written blog posts, facebook status's all about my history of mental health and it's pretty boring so let us skip forward to the present. I am currently on the train sat next to my little sister on the way back from a night away in London with our dad. I haven't been away with my dad on a trip for approx 3 years. We only stayed over in a hotel for last night, shopped and spent time together and now we are travelling back however the evening before that I got picked up from Manchester airport, alone. A few days earlier I flew alone from Manchester to Exeter and spent time with my boyfriend and his family in Torquay,Devon. I then flew home alone from an airport I had never been to, got home and packed some clothes for a trip to London on the train.
This, to some will sound less than impressive, to others it will seem unfathomable. 2 years ago I could hardly leave the house, getting the bus down the road was unattainable, nevermind a plane.
Now I know everyone is going to want to know how I have done this, how I have made such huge strides in my mental health. I'm not going to sugar coat anything because that happens so often and it's unfair to others and is unrealistic, I am not anxiety free by a long shot. I had a bad panic attack last Saturday... my plan for this week was to panic and cry all week-turns out I had better things to do.
1) Start saying yes. In order to make any progress whatsoever you're going to have to push- I didn't push myself to do anything for years due to fear, I get that. In those years that I avoided everything, I achieved very little, sadly it doesn't get handed to you. Your friend asks you out for lunch but you had a panic attack yesterday and it's knocked you back so you are about to cancel. Don't cancel. If you do have to cancel, thats okay but be kind to yourself about it theres no point beating yourself up. There will come a time, whether it be next week or in 4 years (mine was 5 years) where you will go to yourself " I would rather suffer with the worst panic attacks,depression,anxiety possible than live like this. I am bored and fed up of sitting at home and watching everyone else experience life". One day the fear of missing out on life will become stronger than the fear of having a panic attack.
2) Medication. It's not for everyone and I fully respect that. Personally, it has been a large factor in my progress however I do think a mixture of both therapy and medication is probably the best combination- you don't want to end up burying everything for it to erupt one day.
I take 200mg of sertraline that is an anti depressant however it has been found to help with anxiety disorders, doctors aren't quite sure why. I'm no doctor but in my opinion I reckon the sertraline calms my mind slightly of negative thoughts. Less negative thoughts means less thoughts of panic attacks which means less panic attacks. Just a theory. I also take propranol which is a beta blocker. I take 2 a day and they are slow release capsules so I have a steady level of the drug in my blood system all day. Beta blockers stop some of the physical panic attack symptoms eg. your heart rate doesn't peak quickly etc. Beta blockers keep my heart at a steady pace, you are basically tricking your body into thinking you're not panicking.
My last medication is occasional diazepam ( Valium ). I am not on valium daily however I have been in the past when I have been very poorly with my anxiety. Valium is a benzodiazepine which affects chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with anxiety. Sadly, it is abused by many due to it's calming effects which makes it difficult to get hold of when you are actually suffering from acute panic attacks. I use valium as a back up, if I'm going away on holiday, a trip or just to keep in my purse for emergencies. I hardly ever need it but sometimes it helps my anxiety just knowing I have it on hand.
I'm currently not using therapy however I am not ruling it out. Sadly due to being through the CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) system since I was 11 I have been quite severely put off by the idea. I'm sure there must be some success stories through CAHMS however I haven't heard any positive reviews, ever. I am currently looking into private adult therapy options.
At the end of the day, on medication or not, the only person who can change everything is you. You're going to get there at some point but in the mean time, try not to beat yourself up because that will get you no where. Focus on your friends, family and live in the most positive environment possible. Oh and say yes to everything!
lots of love always,
Millie x
