Clearly I haven't written anything on here in years.
I used to write on this blog, I’m sure some of you remember (hello!). I used to write a diary as well but life tends to get in the way especially after the age of 18; I now have to schedule in time to wash my hair never mind to write a blog.
I have wanted to write this entry for a few months, I’ve even drafted the whole thing over once and deleted it. This is odd for me as anyone who knows me will know my problem has never been my lack of confidence to say things, but my lack of ability to keep my mouth shut. This is a good thing and also a really bad thing - I get myself into trouble a lot so I have learnt ( sort of ) to bite my tongue and not share as much as I used to. I think this is probably something mature adults are supposed to do and although I promised myself I would never become one of those, I'm quickly realising I don't have much of a choice.
I say much of a choice because there are some things I CAN continue to do which preserves the oversharing part of me I kind of miss sometimes- social media for a start.
Social media is great however it's still not somewhere I feel like I can or should post long pieces about how I feel/what I'm doing. So here I am, back on the blog I created at 16.
I'm 21 now and feel like a totally different person to the girl I was 5 years ago. There are some things however which make me feel 16 again, make me feel vulnerable and unable to keep myself safe. One of these occurrences happened in September of this year.
It's no secret that myself and Jamie broke up in November 2018 and have been on a new journey over the last year, a journey by myself which couldn't have been more important for me to take. I joke about being single but I genuinely feel as though I have my shit (kind of) together for the first time in a long time, and it's not thanks to anyone other than myself. I've always had a problem with relying on other people for my own security and happiness, I finally feel as though I don't need to rely on anyone but myself which is a much healthier way to live.
I document my dating life ( mostly LACK of ) on social media for the most part and I think it's funny. I was on bumble, tinder and hinge throughout the majority of 2019 as I still occasionally struggle with feeling as though I need someone else, I try not to beat myself up about this as I know a lot of my single friends feel like this sometimes too, I usually feel sorry for myself for a couple of hours, wake up and feel fine again.
Throughout summer I was away a lot in Mallorca and I matched with a guy from Leeds before I left and ended up speaking to him for maybe a month before I got home and agreed to go on a date with him. The date was close to my home, it was during the day on a Sunday and it was somewhere I felt safe.
Unfortunately I wasn't safe. I am okay now but I wasn't for a while.
I won't be going into detail , not because I think it's inappropriate or embarrassing; I do, but it's mostly not even relevant. What happened, happened and it won't make a difference whether I talk about it or not; I can't change it. What I can change is how I talk about it going forward and how I deal with it now.
My single friends and I would always laugh about the crazy and probably dangerous situations we would get ourselves into on dates, on nights out etc and jokingly wonder how we lived to tell the tales. It's one of those things you think will never happen to you, and up until 21 it never had happened to me. I always had respect and sympathy for girls who had been assaulted however I never believed it would happen to me. I would scream wouldn't I? I would run? Or kick him between the legs? It doesn't always happen the way you think it could. No dark alley, I wasn't dressed 'provocatively', wasn't blind drunk. It can happen when you have your guard down, when you feel like you were in control of the situation; until suddenly you're not.
I've deleted dating apps, and it's not because I think there's anything particularly WRONG with them, or with the men on them, but because I'm not ready to date again.
I've never felt as numb and empty as I did that Sunday evening I lay in the bath, or the following Tuesday when I had to do a urine sample in the middle of the night for the police who sat on the living room sofa, or the Friday I had to recount it all in detail in front of 3 cameras in a small room in Keighley Police station whilst my dad sat in the car outside.
I said I'm okay now, and I meant it. I am so lucky to have a huge team of friends and family who support me through everything. There are some family members who reacted to this experience poorly, in a way which will change the way I think of them and respect them forever. That was difficult. Having to accept that some of the older generation will never understand or believe that this kind of behaviour doesn't have to be tolerated any more. What might have been normal and tolerated in 1964 cannot be tolerated in 2020. I refuse to let anyone make me feel as though my experiences and my feelings are invalid, regardless of whether they are my family or not.
The reason I've published this post is to remind other girls that we are still vulnerable, although we wish we were not. It's not fair that we should have to watch how much we drink, who we meet, what we wear, what we say, who we do, who we don't do, where we go, what time we get home, how we get home, it's incredibly unfair and I agree that we shouldn't have to.This is the same stance I had in September however I will be taking steps in the future to ensure this doesn't happen to me again.
Trust me, I won't be watching how much I drink, what I wear, what I say; however I will be making damn sure I protect myself from men who believe I am already theres. This doesn't have to be a disheartening process, I'm using it to empower myself and I will use this experience like I have used the other painful events in my life- I will use it to become a more empathetic, understanding and kind person.
This has been the most difficult blog post ever to write and I will be surprised if I manage to ever publish this however it's been therapeutic to put it down into words. Unfortunately I won't get legal justice for this however I will take back the power I feel I have lost with this by using it to help other girls who have been through or might go through a similar situation in the future.
Finally, girls. Please keep safe. It's not your fault and it shouldn't be your responsibility to behave or conduct yourself in a certain way but unfortunately this is what we must do ( within reason ) for the time being. You should be able to walk out of the house naked with a sign that says please have sex with me and be left alone for all I care, I think we should be able to do whatever the fuck we want.
For now, please vet online dates 10 times over, get your best friend to stalk them. Send your friends your location, tell them where you are going and with who. Don't get picked up from your house, meet somewhere public. You already know this, but I thought I knew all this too.
Love you, not all men are pricks ( I hope ) , find happiness in your best friends, your brother,sister, your parents, your step parents; sometimes it takes something rough to help you realise how many incredible people you have all around you.
Have an amazing Christmas, I am so excited for 2020 :)
Lots of love,
Millie x
